A little help from my friends.
But how will they socialize?! Said everybody ever.
Good evening Villagers,
If you have a child with autism, are a person with autism, know a person with autism, you have almost guaranteeably heard the phrase “but how will they make friends?” Especially if you have the audacity to even consider homeschooling (most people don’t consider the great thought, preparation, worry, and all the other emotions we put into it before even making a decision like that). And don’t misunderstand me here, the power of friendship is extremely important for children. Especially those with autism and other special needs. If you take the time and do the research, it can almost take on somewhat of an artform since many children with autism struggle in this area. The resources aren’t so hard to find as they may seem. As the old saying goes, sometimes you just have to go straight to the horse’s mouth.
Lately I have been listening to an e-book on Audible called “Sincerely, Your Autistic Child” edited by Emily Paige Ballou, Sharon daVanport, and Morenike Giwa Onaiwu. Only the editors are listed on the cover, because the book is an amalgamation of different essays written by women, non-binary, and different gender identifying people other than cisgendered males. It was originally written as a women and girls’ only collection, but as society progressed the editors did as well, and I appreciate that. But regardless of what gender someone is, the need for human interaction doesn’t change. It just has to be approached differently for different children.
Jane Strauss, in her essay “What autistic girls wish their parents knew about friendship” writes:
I strongly recommend that in the early years, children not be separated out from the broad range of others. And that their deficits not be emphasized. Although, limiting group size is usually helpful.
Children with autism need and crave interaction just like the rest of us neurotypicals do. But, as anyone with experience in this arena is aware, peopleing is extremely overwhelming. Those with sensory issues (I can only imagine, as I am not currently diagnosed with any sensory disorders myself) must be seriously suffering in overcrowded areas. All the noise, light, movement, can sometimes be just too much for kids with autism or other sensory processing issues. Even if they enjoy the event during the duration of it, transitioning them from it to a quieter environment (like, the car) can be an absolute nightmare of frustration and tears. I speak from experience. My son actually loves crowded and rowdy places but getting him to transition was a struggle that took YEARS of work. So, I really should have noticed back then that the places he loved so much may have been too much of a good thing at the time. But you can’t go back and know what you didn’t know back then. We’re all in the process together people.
Then came ABA therapy (for the record, my son attends a clinic that uses trauma-informed ABA therapy strategies that show very positively in my child and many others I have seen. I know ABA can be a dodgy subject for many but stay with me). I can whole heartedly agree with Jane’s message about small groups, and sometimes individual attention, being all the difference for a child with sensory issues. At my son’s clinic, the children get a varied set of scenarios to move in and out of throughout the day. Sometimes with all the daytime learner’s (they have two sessions to accommodate more children in smaller groups!), sometimes alone with his therapist, and sometimes the kids can choose which environment they feel more comfortable in. The smaller groups thing has really been a miracle worker. My mom and I were talking the other night, and we agreed that we feel like we’re re-meeting my son for the first time. He’s not afraid to be in close contact with us anymore, he makes the longest eye contact with those hypnotizing baby blues of his (dirty dog).
These strategies along with the more advanced coping mechanisms we’ve found over the years for Dude’s different sensory challenges, has made going out with him in public much more enjoyable for everyone involved. He’s more engaged at home and has become so helpful and thoughtful. He’s begun to pick up after himself and even picks things up for us if we drop them! What 5-year-old does that?! Not only is my son forging new relationships of his own, without mom present, but ours is getting deeper every day. It has been the most amazing thing to watch. I tell him how proud I am of him all the time. Especially when he masters a new skill. We just recently found out he can put his own shoes on (yes, the little bugger was hiding it. We’d been had by a toddler.), but the day he put them on by himself we celebrated like it was his birthday! All this to say, growth can happen. Even in small circles. Even if the events are small bursts of activity at a time. It all adds up. It still counts. And a lot of kids…just might like it that way.
Before I end this article, I wanted to share a Russian proverb about friendship that one of my favorite creators on Substack (Gentle Hearts Unite by Vlasta) shared recently that comes from her grandmother (бабушка). I think there is still a lot we can learn from the older generations, while still forging our own paths.
Don’t have a hundred rubles but have a hundred friends. “Не имей сто рублей, а имей сто друзей”.
This quote really shows the value of friendship, even in the hardest times of Soviet Russia’s past. The village women so often banded together in their friend groups and supported each other, and many still do in rural villages today across the post-Soviet space. Real friendship is something even money cannot buy.
Vlasta continues:
In today’s world, where financial success is often equated with personal worth, this wisdom is a powerful reminder that meaningful connections and real friendships are far more valuable life skills.
To summarize, we know our children need socialization. We want them to socialize. There wouldn’t be so many of us out here talking about our kids and our experiences with them if we wanted to hide our children away from the world. But we have to work toward acceptance. Parents of neurotypical children need to teach their children that it is okay and safe to be friends with our children. And we will teach our children that it is safe to be around other children (as long as we also teach them who are bullies and who are real friends). The process of friendship isn’t as simple for kids or adults with autism as it is for neurotypical people. So maybe next time you want to encourage us to “just get them out there, they’ll get used to it”, maybe consider the implications of the psychological damage you’re suggesting we inflict on our kids.
That is all.
With love, Jessica Mikhailovna ❤️